I am a perpetually busy person who has a calendar generally BRIMMING with work functions, social engagements, and family commitments… Which is awfully inconvenient given I actually hate doing most things.

Of course, I enjoy laughing at my nanny getting up to antics, boozy nights with friends, and dinner out with bae – but mostly, I’m quite happy sitting on my lonesome with my obese cat eating dip and watching TV.  Lord knows that fifteenth episode of Vampire Diaries isn’t going to re-watch itself.

But I do love my job, friends, and family (despite how I may be perceived) and live in lasting fear of letting people down. So I say yes to things. Most things.

I even have the audacity to plan things myself even though when the time comes I’d most probably prefer to wash my cat’s fleas from his coat than partake in engagement.

When I do have plans I often spend the day formulating exactly how to get out of them and will the other party in question to cancel themselves.

That way I get off with a sigh of relief and can send a message proclaiming how ‘disappointed’ I am, and that I was ‘really looking forward to it’, just to make that person feel bad which further conveys the sheer dreadfulness of my character.

Anyway enough of my rambles, here are 12 excuses to get out of shit you just bloody well don’t want to do.

#1 EXCUSE

“My *insert pet choice* just threw up, I think I need to stay home and make sure they’re ok.”

You’ll be deemed an incredible parent to your fur baby. Reason #365 to get a pet.

#2 EXCUSE

“I saw a photo of *insert ex-boyfriend’s name* on Facebook and just need to be alone right now.”

They don’t need to know you saw the pic on his new GF’s sister’s best friend’s page.

#3 EXCUSE

“My boss won’t get off my back, I have to have this *insert something important* by tomorrow morning.”

You’ll get a sympathetic message in return, I promise.

#4 EXCUSE

“I must have eaten something off, I have an upset tummy. Tap ass life is real.”

No questions will be asked in fear of additional info.

#5 EXCUSE

 “I totally forgot about *insert fictional relative* coming into town and I have to clean the house.”

The struggle is real. Especially if you have a 1BR apartment.

#6 EXCUSE

“I pulled my calf muscle this morning at *insert hard sounding gym class*”

They’ll be so impressed with your motivation!

#7 EXCUSE

“I have some personal family issues happening ATM”.

No questions will be asked.

#8 EXCUSE

“Gah babe, I have a *insert fake pic* flat tire !”

Ensure the pic accurately reflects the current weather and lighting situation.

#9 EXCUSE

“I’m ovulating and *insert partners name* really wants to try for a baby. “

Add in these emojis for added effect…  

#10 EXCUSE

“The DR just called and he needs me to go in to get some test results, bit worried, will text later…”

B-12 deficiency. Failsafe.

#11 EXCUSE

“I love you but Uber is surging 2.8x… raincheck?”

We didn’t sign up for outrageous prices.

#12 EXCUSE

“I’m sorry for being a shit person but I really just CBF.”

Sometimes you just need to be honest.

Kelly McCarren.